A Test For Zero

There's something to be said about being a bard on an airship so many miles up in the air. There's also something to be said about having a room to oneself, too, aboard the airship. It's the sort of thing that bardic songs and poetry is written about: sailing in the air, back and forth from adventure, and all of the derring-do that comes with it.

Yet the songbird known as Zero doesn't sing anything of the sort in his room. He's tired. Absolutely as tired as they come. The events of the day have worn him out--the stress of his friends in danger, the emotional roller-coaster of meeting Lheo's mysterious azata patron, consoling both Lheo and Theo... It all ended happily.

Which means he should be happy.

It's a thought that lingers with him as he sheds his leathers and slips into the comfortable dark robe that he insists on taking with him on the road in his packing. Just because he might be traipsing around in places where the gods don't look and the bards don't (ordinarily) sing doesn't mean that he can't be _comfortable_. Nothing can quite replace the comfort of his bed back in Alexandria...

"Heh." A hollow laugh leaves Zero at that thought as he stands in front of the bolted-down bed. No, he'd once known more comfortable beds than that. Ones with plush pillows and silken sheets. A life he left behind. Because it wanted to eat him and swallow him whole. "That bed is nowhere now. Nowhere and nothing." A phrase that echoes far too deeply within him.

There's a quiet knock at the door, and then a pause for Zero to offer some manner of answer before the door slides in and one of the twins upon Zero's mind enters. Dressed in a wizards' robe and short pants, and given the lighting in the room... Lheo's the obvious twin to assume.

Of course, it's not.

"Zero... Do you have a moment?" The young man asks, hesitating near the doorway in an uncertain manner.

Indeed, it's dark enough in the room--considering Zero had expected to go to sleep just moments ago--that Zero assumes fully that it's Lheo standing there in the doorway, and even with his eyes well-accustomed to the dark, it's the natural assumption to make. Lheo wears wizard robes. They look identical, save for their frames, but underneath robes--it's difficult to tell exactly who is who without reaching out and touching.

And as tempting as a thought that might be in some aspects... Zero abstains. After all, his wizard friend has been put through the wringer. There _is_ a time and place for the flirtation, and this is not one of them. "Of course, Lheo," he says gently. "Come on in."

He takes a seat on the edge of the bed. "I'd offer you a chair, but, well, airship. Don't worry, I won't go pawing at you if you sit on the bed with me."

The twin in wizard's robes hesitates, looking at the bed and then shakes his head slowly. "I appreciate the offer, but I think... I should stand for this part." He seems so uncertain of himself, but after a moment of silence between them he rushes to fill the gap with words. "I know you tease us a lot."

A small smile touches the lips that are twin to his brother's. "But I've talked to my brother and... I like you a lot Zero. More than I thought that I would when we first met." He smiles a touch more uncertainly. "Obviously neither of us is interested in making a... threesome with you. But I..."

It's patiently clear that the young man has never done something of this sort. "I came to see if you might have actual interest in... me... beyond the teasing words you've offered in the past."

GAME: Zerthos rolls Bluff: (11)+4: 15
GAME: Theo rolls Sense Motive: (20)+6: 26

Red-pink eyes blink at the man in front of Zero. And then he laughs. "Oh, no, no, my dear friend. I never seriously expected to bed the both of you nor to share the two of you. I may be a beautiful bird ready to be beloved by all who behold me, but I have _some_ standards of decency. Hard to believe, I know!"

A smile comes again so easily to Zero's face, that usual one that's there when he's spending time with the twins. "Darling, darling... You've told me yourself you haven't a single bit of interest in me before. Why the about-face now? Oh, certainly, I can get the appeal--I _am_ splendid--but I'd have thought..."

He looks off to the side for a moment. A flicker of red-pink eyes. And another laugh leaves him, a short little huff of a laugh. "Heh. You were put up to this by that azata of yours, weren't you? Or did you lose a bet with Theo?"

But there's something... so hollow in that laugh. There's something... so oddly dismissive of the notion that 'Lheo' might be interested in him. There's something... in the way he speaks, the light as it hits his red-pink eyes in general. The brothers have gotten to see it before in bits and pieces. Let inside of that little labyrinth underneath the peacock exterior that speaks of a man lost from the society and place he'd called home.

Does he believe a single word of what he's saying? A splendid and beautiful bird? About being wanted in general? There's something past the labyrinth doors again. Something else

The twin moves into the room a small measure. Just a step, his gaze soft. "You're a man of people Zero. Surely you can tell if I'm lying or not. I've meant every word that I've said since I've entered this room. I didn't lose a bet with my brother. I need no prodding from the divine." There it is on his face - sincerity.

"Does something else stay you from believing me?" This is more gently asked. "I would not hurt you if I could avoid it Zero, but... I admit now that I am afraid. I am afraid that you will hurt me."

A moment of silence again. "I must guard myself against this pain, because you jest so easily and I do not know if you mean anything you say at all."

There's a long moment where Zero simply looks at the man in the wizard robes. It's not until the last two seconds of that held red-pink gaze that one can finally discern the reason why he's staring at all. It's helplessness. It's pain. Both of them torn away as Zero looks away and down at the floor, at his bare feet.

"I have never, ever wanted to hurt you. Either of you."

It's said so softly, so gently. He, himself, doesn't realize--until his fingers are tightly wound in the cotton of the layers that adorn the bed, twisting and yanking in an unkind way if it was on another person's hair--how tense he feels, suddenly. How tense he must look in this very moment. How the labyrinth he's so carefully built is beginning to crumble.

"I never--I never allowed... anyone to get close to me. Not even to the level of tightly-knit friends that you and your brother are to me. Not... back there. Not..." The word _home_ tastes like ashes or like acid on his tongue. He doesn't know which. Why couldn't it be both? Either way, it gets swallowed down. "Let alone... a real lover. No one does. Not if they want to keep their head. Not if they want to go without a knife in the back. Not if they want to keep their heart unbroken."

Red-pink eyes stay trained on the floor. "What song does a bird sing when it has been caged all of its life and has been let out?" he asks. Not for the first time. "Does a bird know what a mate is if it's never allowed anyone in their cage--never _been_ allowed anyone in their cage? Is it too late for him to know?"

The man in wizard's robes hazard's another step forward. It's not a large room. He could reach out and touch Zero now, but he doesn't. "I'm not afraid of your past Zero. I wouldn't know what it's like to be alone like you've been for so long. I've always had my brother..."

"Nor have I ever wanted for anyone in my life, to share my time with; the way that I want to share such things with you." Guilt flashes across his face almost too quick to trace, but out of place for its existence. "You don't have to live your life in a cage. You can fly. With us. With me and my brother."

Suddenly this ruse seemed horribly cruel to him, but he needed to know, so he forces the next words out of his mouth. "I just need to know how you really feel Zero. Do you want to be more than friends? Do you feel something more than mere friendship with me? Or my brother?"

Zero looks up at the man in front of him, finally, and he has such a wanting look on his face. Something that cries out but would not out of sheer shame, out of sheer embarrassment--and would instead whimper quietly, cry quietly, hoping no one notices the tears, if Zero would let himself be vulnerable enough to do so.

"I--"

Just saying the word causes the beginnings of tears to well up in his red-pink eyes. Suddenly it doesn't matter that he's far off the ground, high in the sky. He might as well be at the bottom of a mountain, staring up at a peak he can never reach from the pit that he has been cast into. The pit for trespassers, traitors, those who abandon Taara. Those who abandon Charn. Those who abandon his noble house.

He shuts his eyes. Tries to will away all of those feelings of torment. "I--"

Want to fly.

He doesn't say that.

"I-I've been struggling with that very notion. And I'm--so very flattered. And astounded. But I have..."

_Lheo deserves this much. You aren't capable of much, but you are capable of this._ Such a mean thought. A bladed little thing that runs along the walls of his mind to score blood. But he continues despite the pain.

"I'd have loved to love either you or your brother. You both are dear to me as friends, and even though I am... so poor of a choice, in so many ways, I would be over the moon if either of you wanted me. But you made it clear, Lheo. You had no interest. If Theo approached me--I'd say yes. Without hesitation. Without a doubt."

He hangs his head. "I'm sorry."

Theo takes that last small step forward, his calloused fingers touching Zero's face, lifting his chin. He had abstained from reaching out before. Because he knows that his hands are not the hands of a wizard. "And if I _am_ Theo?" He asks, his voice gentle with the hard feeling of knowing that he'd been a pain in Zero's heart if only for a moment. He goes to his knees, begging silent absolution for his deception. "If _I_ ask for a chance at your heart, could you forgive me the deception of wearing my brothers robes to see if _I_ were special to you?"

There are indeed tears in his eyes.

It's so much in that moment. To realize that Lheo is not Lheo but rather Theo. To see him ask for his heart, a chance at it. To see the tears in Theo's eyes like his own.

The tears in Zero's eyes fall as his chin lifts up to look at Theo. The paladin of Serriel. How, in a million years, had Theo come to want to ask for a chance at his heart? How had this man from such a different background and way of life... Want anything this close to do with him? Zero could understand a tumble in the hay, but--this?

"Yes," Zero finds himself saying. Even though that bladed little voice in his head tells him he will only succeed in hurting Theo. He's not good for anything.

He's only good enough to eat.

Theo chases Zero's tears away with his worn fingers, and Theo's smile is a radiant thing. Filled with the light that had made his brother feel like he was in the dark. But this sunlight was all for Zero. He looks up at Zero as if he sees something good there that Zero has never been able to find. Something worth the warmth that he offers so easily and without a second thought.

His other hand falls to Zero's hand, lifting it to his lips so that he can press one chaste kiss to that dark skin. Green eyes never leaving Zero's red-pink gaze. "Thank you, Zero. I will endeavor to be worthy of this chance."

Birds need light to draw them from their cages. Light to sun their wings in. Light to draw their song. In this light, perhaps Zero would finally find the freedom that he had sought so long.

Sunlight. What does it mean to a shadow elf? What does it mean from a Serrielite to be given to a follower of Taara? What does it mean to a caged bird who has only ever seen it fall onto other birds, free and flying in the sky--despite the fact the caged bird is free, it stays to the ground, because it feels the closest to the home-not-home that it once had. A caged bird may never fly because it does not know how.

Except in Theo's eyes, in that kiss that he gives to Zero's hand, Zero finally realizes. Finally, finally realizes. He may call himself a peacock, but he is not a caged bird. He is... himself. He is... free.

He is free. Free to behold this luminous light before him. And he _needs_ Theo.

It's so quick then. His hands reach out to Theo's cheeks and Zero pushes forward. Their lips touch. They kiss in a way that Zero's never felt before. Desperate. Needy. He pulls away a moment later when he can think, and there's an apology already forming on his lips.

There's not time nor ability for an apology.

The kiss had awoken in Theo something that he hadn't even realized was there. Maybe it was the fact that like his brother he too longed for a light. Longed to matter to someone more than anything. To be special. Maybe, it was simply the fact that he'd never allowed anyone to kiss him before this moment. Not like this. He could feel Zero's desire for him, and he longed for it in every fiber of his being.

He didn't let Zero apologize, he stole the words in another kiss.

All notion of an apology falls away from Zero with that fervent kiss. All of the loathing, that little bladed whisper that dogs him at every turn--it falls away. In the wake of Theo's light, in the wonder that he, that they...

No more thoughts. Only wonder. Only joy. Only the ecstasy that's sure to follow.

In between kisses, Zero's fingers fumble in Theo's borrowed robes. Then suddenly it occurs to him to ask. He pulls away, just a little from the kiss, long enough to ask, gently, "Have you ever been with a man before? Or--anyone?" Not judgmental at all. He wants to know so he's not behaving like a brute with someone who means the world to him.

Who means the sun to him.

Zero's words cause Theo to flush considerably in a way that has nothing to do with the excitement of kissing the mul'niessa. It's thrilling, to throw caution to the wind and just... let himself express his joy in the moment. "Ah... no." It's the truth of course. "Actually, this is all rather new to me. I've never had... much interest in anyone until you."

He looks rather cute with his ears all turned rosy-pink. Theo eyes Zero's bed which looks about as comfortable as is own. Which is to say not terribly comfortable at all.

Zero pets Theo's face so affectionately, warmth and gentleness in his red-pink eyes--as well as an undeniable thrill to see that flush on Theo's ears. "Not a problem at all, darling," he murmurs before planting just the smallest of butterfly kisses onto Theo's mouth. "Everyone has a first time. But not everyone is as adorable as you are."

He strokes Theo's cheek again. "Besides--I always wanted to know what it was like to have a tumble in the sky." There's Zero's cheeky grin. It's a measure like the Zero that Theo knows more readily. Flirty as always. But then he follows it up with, "Who better than you?"

-End